Sunday, April 6, 2008

4.6.08

Sometimes I think the only thing that will make the sadness go away is to be pregnant again. Or to have the hope that I might be pregnant. The first 2 weeks of every month pretty much suck. I hate waiting.

I remember last March when I had my gallbladder removed, I picked up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. That was one year ago. I never imagined I'd still be waiting around. I never imagined I would have already lost one baby a year from then.

I am beginning to feel like maybe my sadness is too much. I know it has only been a couple months since my miscarriage, but I have cried every day for the last two weeks. I offer support to other women and tell them that the pain gets easier every day, but I turn around with an aching heart and break down every day. Matt doesn't even know what to do anymore. He just lets me cry and once I'm finished he'll hold me or hug me and I don't blame him. What else can he do?

Today was a beautiful day. We took the dog on a hike, let him play around the lake, came home and sat outside with a glass of wine, my Newsweek and Matt's Cigar Afficianado... the skies were bright blue, the sun was warm and Midas looked so handsome napping with the breeze blowing through his pretty fur. I felt so happy~ Yet an hour later, I was on the living floor playing with the dog and suddenly couldn't handle all the bad stuff.

I want my baby. I want my family. I want back that incredible feeling of holding the world inside of me. I want to feel happy and secure. I want this waiting to be over.

3 comments:

Andrea said...

I know that some of my thoughts might seem kinda null & void because I haven't been in your shoes, but I hope I can offer some comfort and perspective. Sometimes when we're so deeply entrenched in grief it's so hard to figure out what reality is -- because our reality has drastically changed so, so much. Will it ever be the same again?

I'm not really sure. But I definitely do not think that your sadness is "too much." I really, really think it's normal and it's something that you have to process at your own time and pace. I think that with grief, you never get over the loss -- you just get better at coping with it. And that only comes with time -- which sounds so cliche, and so frustrating, but still.

You are amazing and beautiful and strong and so smart, Katie -- laugh and cry and mourn as much as you need to. You are going to be an amazing mama someday, I know this.

Love you & so sorry I didn't just write this all in an email! It's 4:30AM and I'm kinda delirious! Love you! I might have a free day to call this week -- I hope, I hope, I hope!

Jennie! said...

I don't think you can really put a time limit on grief, so you feel sad as much as you need to.

(also, I agree with everything Andrea said . . . I just can't say it that well)

tbonegrl said...

All I can offer are ((HUGS))