Sometimes I think the only thing that will make the sadness go away is to be pregnant again. Or to have the hope that I might be pregnant. The first 2 weeks of every month pretty much suck. I hate waiting.
I remember last March when I had my gallbladder removed, I picked up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. That was one year ago. I never imagined I'd still be waiting around. I never imagined I would have already lost one baby a year from then.
I am beginning to feel like maybe my sadness is too much. I know it has only been a couple months since my miscarriage, but I have cried every day for the last two weeks. I offer support to other women and tell them that the pain gets easier every day, but I turn around with an aching heart and break down every day. Matt doesn't even know what to do anymore. He just lets me cry and once I'm finished he'll hold me or hug me and I don't blame him. What else can he do?
Today was a beautiful day. We took the dog on a hike, let him play around the lake, came home and sat outside with a glass of wine, my Newsweek and Matt's Cigar Afficianado... the skies were bright blue, the sun was warm and Midas looked so handsome napping with the breeze blowing through his pretty fur. I felt so happy~ Yet an hour later, I was on the living floor playing with the dog and suddenly couldn't handle all the bad stuff.
I want my baby. I want my family. I want back that incredible feeling of holding the world inside of me. I want to feel happy and secure. I want this waiting to be over.