Friday, February 29, 2008

2.29.08

Happy Leap Day!

Yesterday during naptime, I noticed one of the squirrely twins, Gwen, was playing with a little giraffe she clepto'ed from the Manipulatives center. From across the room, I did the "snap and point" accompanied by a dramatically silent "NO", to which she just rolled over and ignored. I stood up and decided to step over Lena's cot instead of walking around the perimeter of the room and as my second foot came over the edge, it got caught and I completely biffed at the foot of Gwen's cot. She just looked at me, I think not knowing if I was trying to be funny or if I was really hurt, so she just mumbled something and handed over the giraffe.

Once my co-teacher came back and I re-enacted the spill, we laughed our silly heads off for a good 15 minutes:)

Hope you all have a lovely weekend! Mine officially started last night over 2 glasses of Merlot. I was asleep by 9:30.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

2.26.08

Dear Mother-In-Law,
Thank you for being supportive during this horrible time in my life. I know you aren't my birth mother, but it's heartwarming to know I have such a caring, sensitive, understanding and genuine support system in you. The way you called e-mailed, came to visit, checked up on us went on vacation the following week and never picked up a phone to see how we were doing was charming. Thank you for the postcard we recieved today. I'm so happy Key Largo is beautiful, but you're right, it is a shame that the water was too cold for snorkeling. Thankfully you've been able to enjoy the 80-degree weather. I know that can be time consuming, so perhaps we'll hear from you when you get home, once an entire month has passed since Matt gave you the worst news of our married life.
Love,
The Daughter Otherwise Known as "Dirt"

P.S. Sister-In-Law, since your mother tells you everything else, I'm sure you are aware of our devastation. Your call e-maile, offer to visit, checking in ignorance was equally charming.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

2.24.08

Red wine = good for implantation.

Friday night: red wine
Saturday night: red wine
Sunday afternoon: red wine

You know how your body supposedly craves what it needs? Just putting that out there!

We're making gyros tonight! I've never made them myself, but I love getting them at the fair. So tonight I get all the goodness of fair food without the disgusting unwashed hand germs:) And there's not a mullet in sight!

Sunday nights are always so depressing, which is something I did not have to deal with for the couple years that I spent working from home. I know that as soon as I see my classful of kiddos, my mood will change, but until then, this Sunday evening stretch stinks! Thankfully it's just a 4 day week for me, as I will be joining the retired population of our town at a quilting retreat at Camp Akita! When my neighbor first pressured me into joining the quilt guild so I could go to the retreat, I was dreading this thing. But now? I'm totally pumped! The quilt I am going to work on, and hopefully even finish (what else will there be to do for 3 days?!) looks like this:



Did I mention Vera and I are sharing bunk beds?! Ohhhh boy, busting out the sleeping bag:)

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Friday, February 22, 2008

2.22.08

Well, I didn't get to visit Debbie and the kiddos today thanks to the buttloads of snow and ice, but I did retreive my car, re-paint the laundry room, and spend a good 5 hours on the internet instead:)

And thanks to Lisa's sympathy wine as well as our Mystic wine souvenier, I am a happy, happy un-pregnant woman tonight.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

2.21.08

Tonight I couldn't get up the gigantic hill outside my neighborhood (I slid down backwards) so I had to park in front of someone's house and walk home. Let me reinforce the fact that this hill is gigantic. And steep. And has multiple hills within it. And it was dark. And very slippery. And buried in snow. And I had just gotten my hair did.

The end.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

2.20.08 part 2

Also, if one more person tells me how common miscarriages are, I might throw up. (or kick 'em in the babymaker and see how it makes them feel) Seriously. Is that supposed to make me feel better? If you were lying on your death bed and someone told you "This happens to everyone" would you feel any better? I'm not a statistic. My miscarriage was nothing like the next person's and her's was nothing like the following woman's. Everyone, please stop with the "it happens all the time" comments. My baby was mine and my loss was mine. I am not a number.

2.20.08

Today I got to come home early thanks to daaa snow. Matt was also home (10, count 'em TEN snow days for him) and since we've both been home together SO much lately, I think we'd run out of things to talk about so while he played video games, I made myself be productive and work on a couple quilting projects. Ironically, they were both baby quilts, but the first one I started a long time ago, way before we were even TTC and the other one I had laying around to get started on and was tired of looking at it. So now they are both finished! Which means I can buy more stuff:) Old lady, what?!

My very first quilt:)




I wish this was big enough for me:)


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

2.19.08

They listened! They listened! I peed on a stick in the bathroom at stall work today and got a + OPK! The O is coming to town tonight and I've got front row seating:)

Monday, February 18, 2008

2.18.08

Once upon a time, O'ing was something I hoped for in the sack. NOW, O'ing is the only reason I'll go anywhere NEAR the sack! Oh, how I wish the old O was all I hoped to achieve!

Come on, l'il ovaries. Do your thing!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

2.17.08

Evidently, I'm a textbook miscarriage statistic. Just when I think I'm feeling better, I become a tangled mess of emotions. The highs and lows of my grief are just another slap in the face... will they ever stop?

Andrea sent me a link to a very informative miscarriage encouragement website called www.hopexchange.com. I was looking through it just now and there I was, in black and white:

"As a parent, you never entirely get over the loss of your baby... There is no particular order to grief... You may find that you skip from one feeling to the next or you may experience one aspect of grief, only to return to a previous one."

I suppose I knew this already. When I was 12, my mom made my brothers and me see a family counselor to help us grieve my parents' divorce. The counselor was about 80 years old and had a long white beard that made me want to burst into spontaneous laughter at all the wrong moments. I don't remember much about our sessions, probably because I was trying desperately not to crack up laughing the whole time. (It took a lot of focus!) But I do remember him mapping out the grieving proccess on a yellow legal pad, while my brothers (make that brother-- I'm pretty sure Andy managed to get out of these sessions somehow) rolled his eyes and shot me funny faces, making the laughter suppression even more difficult. ANYWAY, I remember all this grieving stuff. But it doesn't seem to matter when you're going through emotional devastation. The website says that the knowledge of the process can be empowering, but for me, I just feel defeated and I want off of the roller coaster. Now.

At church today, a prayer request was made for a member who had a miscarriage this week. I don't know her, I don't even know who she is. But I felt every bit of her pain. I just wanted to find her right that second and hug her and cry with her. All of my pain resurfaced and the tears started. I couldn't stop. Thankfully, it was during prayer, so I was able to eventually collect myself... but my heart broke every time I looked up to see Micah, one of my students who was sitting 2 rows ahead of us, turned around and watching me. No 5 year old wants to see his teacher crying. When you're 5, your teacher is still your hero-- the person you want to grow up to be just like. The person who you think can fix all problems, heal all boo boos, answer all the world's big questions, and then come up with a fun song to accompany them. Not someone who cries and hurts and doesn't know what to do.

I know better days are ahead. I know this. I just wish I could fast forward and never look back.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

2.16.08

Two weeks ago, I was an emotional disaster. I was in the middle of losing my baby, angry at the world, scared out of my mind, yet hopeful that it was all a mistake. Hopeful that I would see my doctor Monday morning and find out that my baby was safe and sound, growing strong, and developing right on track. Boy, was I wrong. My doctor wouldn't even see me until that Thursday, almost one entire week after my miscarriage started. She humiliated me, punched me in the ovaries and told me to call when I got another positive HPT.

I've since found a new doctor, have discovered new hope for the future, and am feeling positive about what God has planned for us. I still burst into spontaneous tears and I'm still bitter when I see a pregnant belly in public, but I know that God will give me the strength to move past this eventually. I still can't make sense of why this happened, and I miss my baby angel with all my heart, but I do know that when I become pregnant again and am past the scariest weeks, I will be completely, utterly, massively 100% in love with every wave of nausea, every pickle craving and each and every stretch mark because, to me, they will mean my pregnant body is behaving like it should! And when my little Weetzie arrives into this world, he or she will be so loved and appreciated by mommy and daddy it won't ever look back!




"An angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for earth'."

Friday, February 15, 2008

2.15.08

This has been going around on other miscarriage blogs and I'm finally giving in and positing it. (sorry for the caps. give it a read, though. it's awesome.)

A MOTHER HAS A BABY, THIS WE KNOW IS TRUE. BUT GOD, CAN YOU BE A MOTHER, WHEN YOUR BABY'S NOT WITH YOU?

"YES, YOU CAN," HE REPLIED WITH CONFIDENCE IN HIS VOICE. "I GIVE MANY WOMEN BABIES, WHEN THEY LEAVE IS NOT THEIR CHOICE. SOME I SEND FOR A LIFETIME; AND OTHERS FOR A DAY
AND SOME I SEND TO FEEL YOUR WOMB; BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO STAY."

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, GOD, I WANT MY BABY HERE. HE TOOK A BREATH AND CLEARED HIS THROAT; AND THEN, I SAW A TEAR.

"I WISH I COULD SHOW YOU, WHAT YOUR CHILD IS DOING TODAY. IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR CHILD SMILE WITH OTHER CHILDREN AND SAY:

'WE GO TO EARTH TO LEARN OUR LESSON'S OF LOVE AND LIFE AND FEAR, MY MOMMY
LOVED ME OH SO MUCH, I GOT TO COME STRAIGHT HERE...
I FELL SO LUCKY TO HAVE A MOM, WHO HAD SO MUCH LOVE FOR ME I LEARNED MY
LESSON VERY QUICKLY, MY MOMMY SET ME FREE. I MISS MY MOMMY OH SO MUCH;
BUT I VISIT HER EACH DAY. WHEN SHE GOES TO SLEEP, ON HER PILLOW IS WHERE
I LAY I STROKE HER HAIR AND KISS HER CHEEK, AND WHISPER IN HER EAR.
MOMMY, DON'T BE SAD TODAY, I'M YOUR BABY AND I'M HERE.'

"SO, YOU SEE, MY DEAR SWEET ONE, YOUR CHILDREN ARE OKAY YOUR BABIES ARE HERE IN MY HOME; AND THIS IS WHERE THEY'LL STAY. THEY'LL WAIT FOR YOU WITH ME, UNTIL YOUR LESSON IS THROUGH AND ON THE DAY THAT YOU COME HOME; THEY'LL BE AT THE GATES FOR YOU.

SO, NOW YOU SEE WHAT MAKES A MOTHER, IT'S THE FEELING IN YOUR HEART IT'S THE LOVE YOU HAD SO MUCH OF; RIGHT FROM THE VERY START. THOUGH SOME ON EARTH MAY NOT REALIZE YOU ARE A MOTHER THEY'LL BE UP WITH ME ONE DAY; AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE BEST ONE."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

2.14.08

Although I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's Day, and gave Matt specific instructions not to buy me flowers as they just remind me of sadness right now, today turned out to be a very fun, very funky, and very not baby-related Valentine's Day and I am thankful for that.

My hubby cracks me up though. Actually we crack me up. Here's why:



I came home to find our cards side-by-side on our pillows, addressed to Weenis and Cheekzie. I love my Weenis:)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

2.13.08

I cried at work today. I've done really well, but today I slipped into the infant childcare room to hold a baby, which is one my most favorite things to do when I have a spare minute, and got to talking to the 2 women in there about parents who don't have any interest in spending time with their children. I have a handful in my class and it just breaks my heart for the children and infuriates me with the parents at the same time. Why have kids if you're too busy/too important/not interested/don't want them in the first place? I would die for that.

But on the plus side, Big Bro is on again tonight, which I wasn't expecting! I thought I had to wait a whole week, but nooooooo!

Also, Matt and Midas chauffeured me to work today:) Matt was off AGAIN but I had no such luck. So he offerred and I accepted! And bless his heart, he got stuck on a hill right outside our neighborhood and had to walk home:( With the dog. And no leash. At 7am. On a snow day. Shoot, that kinda sounds like fun the more I think about it!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

2.12.08

Yay for snow days! Today was blissful:) We played in the snow with Midas before the rain came in and turned the fluffy stuff to slush. I napped. We played Bananagram. We watched the Cosby Show (Of course Denise announces she pregnant in this particular episode. Hoe bag.) I napped again. I talked to my Momma. I did no writing.

And tonight is the Season 9 premier of Big Brother. I have watched BB a total of 0 times, but since there isn't shit else on these days, I'm excited to have something to watch:) Plus 2 contestants are from Columbus! And it looks totally trashy. Sounds like a winner to me.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

2.10.08 part 2

Today is a two-post kind of day:)

Last Thursday night, after falling asleep around 9:00, I awoke to Matt nudging my shoulder saying "Weezie, you have a package!" I probably should've come back with something witty and crass, but I was so confused (and half asleep) that I just looked at the box he was holding a couple inches from my face and a wave of regret fell over me as I thought it was something baby-related that I had ordered the week before. I told him I would open it in the morning. Like a kid on Christmas morning, he was too excited to wait and begged me to open it right away so he could see what was inside.

I humored him and was sweetly surprised to find an adorabley packaged pink box full of gourmet baked goodies dipped, covered, and rolled in chocolate, frosting and SPRINKLES all wrapped in precious polka dots! My lovely sister-in-law knew exactly how to mend my broken heart... sugar!! She asked me to take some pictures so she could see for herself as she ordered them from Indianapolis alllll the way from her home in Virginia, so instead of sending the pictures to just her, I thought I'd share them with everyone! They're just too pretty not to! (Matt had already snatched a sugar cookie sandwich and the card is covering up yet another amazing creation involving what appears to be marshmallows and more chocolate. Yum!)





Thank you, Suzanne. You sweetened up my day and successfully added a good pound to each of my hips:) And I don't mind one bit. I love you!

2.10.08

I am one lucky girl:) I may have been through some of the worst days of my life recently, but God has blessed me with amazing friends and a husband who deserves a big fat Husband of the Century award.

Molly and Lisa came to spend the weekend with me and we had a lovely time watching movies in our jammies, going out to breakfast with the legendary Vera, eating lots-- and lots-- of candy and drinking margaritas (and beer) (and Tequila shots). Friendships come and go, but thankfully I have a group of girlfriends who I can count on always and forever. They certainly spoiled me this weekend:)

And all the while, where was my darling husband? He had a few AD duties to take care of, but when he was home, if he wasn't hanging out with us while watching chick flicks and talking about disgusting girl things, he was doing laundry, washing dishes, and cleaning up after us:) He even called on his way home from a basketball game to see if we needed more drinks. He knows how to please!

So tomorrow starts a new week. I think it will be a good one. I feel refreshed and happier than I think I would've been had I laid around by myself all weekend. Molly and Lisa brought a ray of sunshine and laughter to an otherwise dark and lonely time and I am so thankful for that:)


Thursday, February 7, 2008

2.7.08

My appt. went OK, I suppose. I may be finding a new doctor anyway. The doctor said HPTs are unreliable, yet they say to call the office once you get a positive HPT and then they schedule an appt. for 8-10 weeks to go over paperwork. THEN you get a sonogram a few weeks later. All the while having no bloodwork done to a) confirm the pregnancy and b) confirm that the embryo is developing and the levels are doubling properly. If she feels they are so unreliable, why doesn't she require a blood test at SOME point before the sonogram?

I guess one good thing that will come of this is that I'll now be able to have my beta levels tested regularly once I become pregnant again. She recommended waiting 2 months, but that seems so long:( I'm so impatient.

2.7.08

Off to the doctor this morning. I'm not very happy with the way they've handled my m/c, so hopefully today I'll be told something good and I'll feel better. I don't understand how a women's practice, full of FEMALE doctors, treating FEMALE patients could behave so insensitively towards a woman in the middle of such a horrible time. If I can't go to my doctor for medical help, who can I go to? Another doctor, that's who.

Anyway, trying to stay positive and give them the benefit of the doubt.

On the upside, when I get to work at noon, my schedule will look something like this:

1st hour: lunch
2nd hour: nap
3rd hour: nap
4th hour: snack

Remind me to make all future doctor's appointments for the morning!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

2.5.08

I went back to work today and was surprised by how good it felt to be out of the house, back in a functioning state of mind. The morning started off a little rough, crying for most of the 30 minute drive, followed by a few OK moments, followed by the first, "Are you feeling better today?" All day long, teachers and parents wanted to know "How was your day off?", "Were you sick?", "Did you party too hard after the game Sunday night?", etc. The male sub who is STILL in my room walked in and the first thing he said was "You're in trouble." I don't blame him though... I'm sure my class was a peach without either of the regular teachers present.

I told just a couple people and was overwhelmed by the love and compassion that surrounded me. One teacher held me in her arms and prayed for me. One parent who I have become particularly close with burst into tears. I will say it's awesome working in a Christian environment, especially during rough times. There is certainly no lack of support. And to be able to collapse in my director's office and cry together is a huge blessing that I wish more people could experience (minus all the bad stuff leading up to the need to collapse and cry).

So, today is over. Thank goodness. Seeing pregnant bellies, watching parents dump their kids off with me when it's dark and come back for them when it's even darker, and dealing moms who find their child's ear ache a nuissance... yes, it sucked. But feeling two little arms wrap around me from behind to squeeze me full of love... and then returning 5 minutes later with the added comment "My mommy said to give you an even bigger hug*"... that's why I love my job and I hold on to the hope that someday those little arms will be my own kiddo's.

*Lily begins 95% of her sentences with "My mommy said..." :) Her mom was an hour away at school. BUT, she still said! I can't argue with that:)

Monday, February 4, 2008

2.4.08

While doing a little rearranging of my Myspace (might as well organize some part of my life, right?) I found my very first blog ever. It was written on February 16, 2006, almost 2 years ago. It doesn't seem that long ago, but the carefree outlook on becoming pregnant seems worlds away.

Adventures of the HPT


This morning I had the joy of experiencing my first trip to the drugstore for, what I've come to learn on www.thenest.com "Babies on the Brain" discussion board, stands for Home Pregnancy Test. You may be thinking to yourself, "is she seriously going to write about taking a pregnancy test on myspace?" Well, sort of. The last 60 minutes of my day just begs to be shared with a few, select friends. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this rendention of "Katie's adventures of the HPT"



So, sitting in front of me on my desk at this very moment is a shiny little pink and purple box, about the size of a box of Cracker Jacks. Only difference is, there's a silhouette of a naked chick standing on the side and a couple of sticks inside that make no sense to me, but promise results in 30 seconds or less. That's the best darn promise I've heard in quite sometime, which is why, standing in the tampon/KY/Trojan/Summer's Eve aisle of CVS with the dirty old pharmacist man watching uncomfortably close, I settled on this very test. I mean, you do get 2 sticks for the price of 1, the box was sorta pretty, and they support the March of Dimes. What the hey! Unfortunately, I can't honestly say that I felt so nonchalant about my purchase, as one can probably predict. I grabbed the box and made my way up to the front of the store to pay.



Of course, this couldn't just be a simple, smooth, snag-free transaction. A tall blonde swooped in and stole the first spot in line at the last second, meaning I got to stand in the direct path of any customer, man or woman, who entered the store. Being the glass-half-full kind of gal I am, I reassured myself that I was actually in the better position because a) the cashier was nowhere to be found, which meant that b) we had to wait in line for an extra minute or so, therefore meaning c) me being in the back spot guaranteed slightly more privacy. Instead of hot blonde zeroing in on my pink-boxed-naked-chick, I actually got the privilege of noticing the dimples on her behindJ.



So hottie paid for her bizarrely large purchase of clearance Valentine's Day candy, and I nervously stepped up to the cash register. OK, let's confront the fact that I really should NOT be feeling like a 15-yr old who is about to go take the HPT in a McDonalds bathroom stall, but I do! Let's face it, I look like I'm 15. I have curly hair that is "cute", a round face that is "cute" that I'm frequently told I'll wish I still had some day, am wearing "cute" flare leg jeans with the backs soaking wet thanks to the fact that I'm a "cute" 5'3" and NO jeans fit right and it's pouring down rain outside, AND I'm wearing ADORABLE Mary Janes. So yeah, I don't exactly come across as the most "mature" looking "woman". Lucky for me, I have my secret weapon on: The WEDDING RING.



I set the box on the counter and reached in my purse, using my LEFT hand. I then proceeded to pretty much do EVERYTHING with my left handJ.



"Do you have a CVS card?" clerky asks.



I consider displaying my deep thought with a swift chin hold/finger tap against my cheek a la left hand, when I think better of it.



"No, thank you!" I say in a very cheery, motherly way, that would warrant me the RIGHT to become a mother, if need be. I swipe my card.



"Go ahead and sign on the line," the cashier tells me.


Damn, I think. Gotta switch to the right or else I'll have the handwriting of an 8 yr-old, which really is not the direction I'm interested in heading.



She prints my receipt and I'm off. I'm amazed at how nice she was about the whole situation. Maybe I really am old enough to pull this off...or maybe it was the ring. I hopped back in the car, buckled my seatbelt, and looked up. "Expectant Mothers Only". I honestly laughed out loud and pulled out of my spot.



Now, at this point in my adventure, I will say that I had begun to feel a lot better about my public HPT excursion. I mean, if this is meant to be, it's meant to be! Shoot, I saw a woman with an HPT at Meijer once and thought it was really neat that she might be taking the first step, well, I guess not TECHnically the FIRST step, but you know, ON HER WAY to a completely new life. I actually felt like I was beginning to embrace the idea and not feel embarrassed for being a married woman buying an HPT.



So I'm driving away, now en route to the HD's (Hot Dentist) office to pick up some x-rays for Matt. Everything starts revolving around possibly being pregnant. I start to think of what it would be like to having a car seat behind me (where Midas was, at the time, hanging his head out the window, lips flapping in the wind). Where would the crib go? Could I still work from home and balance having a newborn? By the time I got to the HDs office I actually had a smile on my facethe kind where you don't realize you're smiling ...until... you realize it! I walk up to the door thinking, "if I had a baby with me, I couldn't just leave the car running with him or her in it, while I run inif I had a baby with me this, if I had a baby with me that...". So anyway, I walk up to the counter and HD greets me, personally, by name.


"Hi, Katie! How's it going?"



"Hiiiiiii...great, how are you doing?" I reply



"Not too bad. Not too bad. What's been goin on?"



"Oh, not too much. Just taking a pregnancy test."



Ok, Ok, I didn't really say that, but it was right there on my mind! I'm telling you, everything revolves around THAT thought. Like when Midas and I got home and he hopped out of the backseat and took a pee pee. I stood there thinking how lucky he was that he just gets to pee, while I have to hold mine for the next 4 hours to get an accurate reading. Four hours is a long time when you are peeing more than normally as it is, or at least it seems so! Add to that the nervousness factor and the 2 cups of coffee consumed for breakfast, which will cease indefinitely if I do, in fact, see two lines!



It's just funny how, after telling friends and family for a year and half, "no, no, we want to wait at least 5 or 10 years before having kids" just how easily that can change when the possibility of having a child in just 9 months from now arises. Suddenly those vacations and new cars and cool "things" really aren't that important. Suddenly I'm love with someone who may not even exist yet. Suddenly I'm hoping that my little baby really is there and this is all real! Suddenly I feel so completely not-in-control of the situation, but feel 100% confident that whatever the outcome is, it is all in God's plan for Matt and me and I'm beyond excited to find out what the future holds.



******************

Update: Test results were negative. ...and we're currently planning a vacation for April! Maybe we'll drive our new car and buy some cool things to take along! Cuz I am a Gemini and that's the way we roll;)

Sunday, February 3, 2008

more

Signs.

I see them everywhere now. Good signs, bad signs, anything to help make sense of this nightmare. Some I'm sure I am reaching for, but when you are so out of control of your life and your body, you need something to hold on to.

When I think back to Friday, I had a very stressfull day. Actually, back it up to Friday morning when I was across the hall from my classroom chatting with 2 other teachers. A parent came in to drop off her son and she had her infant with her. She set the baby down and the other 2 teachers began to gush over her. She was cute, but nothing inside me jumped. I really had no interest in asking questions, fussing over her, commenting on her cuteness, etc. I gathered up my kids and we left while the others gushed with the baby's mom. I remember wondering why I felt so detached from a baby when normally I would be giggling and cooing with the best of them. Now I look back and I think it was God's way of saying "Please back away from the baby. Trust me."

As the day went on I was short with the kids, I had very little patience, I was working with a male substitute teacher, and I was beat after doing everything myself all week. My co-teacher had been gone since Tuesday and even the greatest sub can't replace the real deal. I called Matt on my way home and told him that for the first time in a really long time, I was absolutely exhausted and the kids drove me crazy all day. I just wanted to get some dinner and relax in my jammies for the night. I began to bleed and have contraction-like cramps at 9pm.

Fast forward a little bit to yesterday. The pain was still very raw, very new and very real. I cried all through the night, into the morning and all day long. I stared into nowhere for long stretches of time. I rocked in a chair that I haven't sat in for months. I sobbed the kind of sobs that you see on the cover of Time or National Geographic. You can't hear a sound, but your heart breaks and feels every ounce of pain on that person's face. By the evening, I was able to catch my breath a little at a time. I began feeling better. I even laughed a little when Annie and her parents went to see the wedding coordinator on "Father of the Bride". And then I would see something... anything... and it would remind me of where I was. The diamond earrings Matt surprised me with for Christmas that I was ecstatic to find waiting for me when we got back from our ski trip... I was so happy at that moment. At that moment I had a pair of diamond earrings in my hand and I had no idea the amount of sadness I would feel 1 month later. I had never had a miscarriage. I was whole. Now I'm broken.

And then there are good signs:) Yesterday during one of my "up" moments, Matt and I were hugging and as we pulled away, Matt noticed a small white feather on my shoulder. He lifted it from my shirt and let it fall to the ground. The sight of that delicate, tiny feather falling away from me, further and further hit me like a ton of bricks. But then something beautiful happened today. As I dried off in the shower, another tiny white feather literally poofed out of the towel and fell to my feet. It lay curled upwards next to my toes and I thought "I'm going to be OK". I felt a brief moment of peace. I saved the feather and I will put it with the baby's "Future MVP" t-shirt that Matt opened the night I told him we were pregnant, and the positive pregnancy tests that told me I was pregnant, the beautiful card Lisa sent with the flowers, and the poem I had written and was saving until March to announce to my family that we had a little one on the way and we'd all be at the beach for Thanksgiving this year. That feather was exactly what I needed at that exact moment. It was a sign that told me "just breathe."

2.3.08

There's no good way to say it. I'm going through the worst time of my life. October 6th will no longer be the day of my dreams. I will not be meeting my precious baby for the first time. That day will come sometime, but not October 6th.

This has been a horrible weekend and I just want the nightmare to be over. The pain of losing a baby that was given to me as a blessing from God, only to be taken away in an instant is cruel and unfair. No one deserves this. Why me? WHY?