I see them everywhere now. Good signs, bad signs, anything to help make sense of this nightmare. Some I'm sure I am reaching for, but when you are so out of control of your life and your body, you need something to hold on to.
When I think back to Friday, I had a very stressfull day. Actually, back it up to Friday morning when I was across the hall from my classroom chatting with 2 other teachers. A parent came in to drop off her son and she had her infant with her. She set the baby down and the other 2 teachers began to gush over her. She was cute, but nothing inside me jumped. I really had no interest in asking questions, fussing over her, commenting on her cuteness, etc. I gathered up my kids and we left while the others gushed with the baby's mom. I remember wondering why I felt so detached from a baby when normally I would be giggling and cooing with the best of them. Now I look back and I think it was God's way of saying "Please back away from the baby. Trust me."
As the day went on I was short with the kids, I had very little patience, I was working with a male substitute teacher, and I was beat after doing everything myself all week. My co-teacher had been gone since Tuesday and even the greatest sub can't replace the real deal. I called Matt on my way home and told him that for the first time in a really long time, I was absolutely exhausted and the kids drove me crazy all day. I just wanted to get some dinner and relax in my jammies for the night. I began to bleed and have contraction-like cramps at 9pm.
Fast forward a little bit to yesterday. The pain was still very raw, very new and very real. I cried all through the night, into the morning and all day long. I stared into nowhere for long stretches of time. I rocked in a chair that I haven't sat in for months. I sobbed the kind of sobs that you see on the cover of Time or National Geographic. You can't hear a sound, but your heart breaks and feels every ounce of pain on that person's face. By the evening, I was able to catch my breath a little at a time. I began feeling better. I even laughed a little when Annie and her parents went to see the wedding coordinator on "Father of the Bride". And then I would see something... anything... and it would remind me of where I was. The diamond earrings Matt surprised me with for Christmas that I was ecstatic to find waiting for me when we got back from our ski trip... I was so happy at that moment. At that moment I had a pair of diamond earrings in my hand and I had no idea the amount of sadness I would feel 1 month later. I had never had a miscarriage. I was whole. Now I'm broken.
And then there are good signs:) Yesterday during one of my "up" moments, Matt and I were hugging and as we pulled away, Matt noticed a small white feather on my shoulder. He lifted it from my shirt and let it fall to the ground. The sight of that delicate, tiny feather falling away from me, further and further hit me like a ton of bricks. But then something beautiful happened today. As I dried off in the shower, another tiny white feather literally poofed out of the towel and fell to my feet. It lay curled upwards next to my toes and I thought "I'm going to be OK". I felt a brief moment of peace. I saved the feather and I will put it with the baby's "Future MVP" t-shirt that Matt opened the night I told him we were pregnant, and the positive pregnancy tests that told me I was pregnant, the beautiful card Lisa sent with the flowers, and the poem I had written and was saving until March to announce to my family that we had a little one on the way and we'd all be at the beach for Thanksgiving this year. That feather was exactly what I needed at that exact moment. It was a sign that told me "just breathe."