Tuesday, April 15, 2008

4.15.08

While I adore my Aunt Bonnie, my phone conversation this afternoon kind of made me want to throw up. After a nice, long catch up, things took a turn for... wierd. (It's probably only fair for me to note that my aunt and uncle were total free-loving hippies who more than dabbled in their share of mind-altering substances during their college days. Sure, they're wonderful and successful people now, but sometimes I scratch my head and wonder how they made it this far.) It went a little bit like this:

Me: Also, we'll definitely be at the beach for Thanksgiving, so that's exciting.

Aunt B: Ohhh, yeah? So how are you doing with everything?

Me: Oh, you know. I'm feeling much better now, but I am getting a little frustrated and antsy. It's been 7 months since we stopped not trying to get pregnant... which means I could be 7 months along by now. And instead I feel like I'm... negative months along.

Aunt B: I know, I know. But I believe Mother Nature has her plan and the human body is an incredible thing. Just try to relax (lightening bolts) and enjoy this time (thunder clashing). This might be too much information--

Me: Nothing is too much information at this point--

Aunt B: *laughs* I remember, after trying for so many years to not get pregnant and then finally having that freedom... to create a child of love with the person who you love... it was such an exciting and emotional time. To conceive a human being with no taking temperatures or rushing to beat the clock or keeping track of signs... out of nothing but the love between two people... I really loved that time.

*cue Joni Mitchell*

*free the doves*

Me: Hmm. I remember that time. It lasted a couple months. And then my baby-- my dream for my future, my hopes, my vision of myself as a mother-- died and all that naive crap about magically creating a love child died along with it.

Just another reason why I sometimes hate talking about my miscarriage with mothers who have never been there. I wish I could just accept advice like this, knowing that it is meant with all the best of intentions. But instead I feel like I'm being told how I should feel or think. I don't know what I expect from people... honestly. It's not their fault they haven't been through this before. They just want to help. And then I get all bitchy over words that really are coming from their heart. They're damned if they do and damned if they don't. Maybe I should just not talk about it anymore.

7 comments:

Suz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suz said...

Let me just say on thing...I have not been there and wound not wish it on my worst enamy...and I am sorry! Butas for bonnie I have now seen 2 sister-in-laws go throught it and it is awful! But, Look at their "love" now??? Do you see it anywhere around thim??? They sleep in different beds for god sakes!!!!!!!!!!

Andrea said...

I'm so sorry I've gotten behind on your blogs! I feel like a bad friend. :(

LOL @ the Joni Mitchell and the doves. Perfect accompaniment. (Is that spelled right? Gosh, who cares?!)

Anyway, I wish I had better advice for you, darlin', except to say that I don't think you're bitchy or abnormal at all. Unless someone has truly been there, it's really hard to digest that they're telling you sometimes - you know what I'm sayin'? This feeling is applicable to so many different life situations. Sometimes you just have to accept things for face value and keep going, no matter how many bells are going off in your head. So much easier said than done, because God knows I am the most overanalytical person ever. ;) But anyway, this was long and rambly and I just wanted to reassure you that: you're normal. :) And I love you!

Andrea said...

I just reread what I wrote and it didn't come out right. Dammit!

I hope it made some sense, though...I'm not trying to compare your loss to other losses or to tell you how to feel, but I can relate to that feeling itself, you know? It's just like a happily-married-for-30-years person telling my mom after my dad died "Everything happens for a reason!" UMMM??? That UMMM??? feeling -- is normal. Gosh, I can't write today. :)

K-tell said...

Ya know what? You guys are right. And I don't want either of you to think I don't appreciate your advice or comments. Seriously, you are incredible friends and I REALLY appreciate you not being so irritated with me that you quit reading this whiny, repetetive blog weeks ago!

tbonegrl said...

I'm thinking some "both sides now" perhpas?

Was she barefoot?

K-tell said...

Ohhh man, totally "Both sides now"... in a field of wildflowers.

My cousins are lucky they're not named Willow and Sapphire, lol.