4.30.08

OK, now I can say it. I'm pregnant:) All of the prayers must really be paying off! Thank you, Lord!!!!

First beta today, at 12dpo was 120. Yay:) I should know my progesterone level tomorrow, then have my 2nd draw on Friday... and probably know if it doubled by Monday, which is what really matters. So send some doubling dust my way!!

Also, Lisa, my friend whose ovulation I announced for all the internet to see... she has a very pretty progesterone level today, which could mean a happy BFP is on its way! Let's all hope! We wanted to have our Christmas babies together, but we'll take January babies instead! We're also giving these to each other's babies (kudos to Lisa for finding them):



Because for Pete's sake, Matt and I have waited almost 4 years and gone through 1 miscariage and Lisa and David have waited over 5 years and gone through 2 miscarriages. I hope the wait is over for both of us and we can have a couple very health babies in January!

4.29.08

Hey guys! If you noticed something is missing, you are correct:) Errrrything's fine though.

And if nothing looks different, then just carry on as usual bc it's all the same now!

And if you're confused, join the club:)

4.27.08

Instead of focusing on the fact that today I would be 17 weeks along and would be going for our big ultrasound this week (to find out the gender), I will focus on the good and tell you about our fun date last night!

The restaurant was super nice, yet still cozy enough to enjoy ourselves. The first time we were there was last June, on a stop during Beer Week in Athens. It's actually located in Nelsonville, so it worked out nicely to stop on our way home. We sat at the bar and made friends with the Jamaican bartender and his girlfriend, who Matt actually kept in touch with for a little while! (Not in a wierd way) We had so much fun talking about Jamaica because we had our trip scheduled for the following month, so we got a nice little taste of what to expect!

Marsden was still working the bar when we walked in last night. The restaurant is part of a culinary school that attracts people from all over the world, so it's like being on a cruise ship! Everyone's nametag says where they are from and most of them are not from Ohio:)

The band was getting set up when we sat down and by the time we got our drinks, they had started playing. This probably sounds very sophisticated, but let me add that we sat next to a table of Prom go'ers who made me giggle throughout the whole dinner. They were very obviously excited, but trying to play things cool with each other... it was really cute. The restaurant is located on a historic square with pretty trees, benches and a fountain, so there were lots of other prommers taking photographs while we waited for our dinners and caught up on the happy things we have going on in our lives.

Dinner was yummy. I had a New York Strip with Whipped Olive Oil potatoes, snow peas and the cutest little mini carrots I've ever seen! They were like baby carrots, only with the stems. Matt had Morroccan Squobb... which is some sort of Cornish Game Hen type creature. He liked it. (I was a little creaped out by it... and the prom girls thought it was looking at them, lol)

I think my favorite part of the meal was when our server brought the check, along with 2 chocolate dipped strawberries! How neat is that?! I was tempted to feed Matt his, but he quickly nixed that idea, hehe. Of course I had to ruin the romance when I took a bite of my strawberry and what was left looked like a hoo ha:) Which I of course had to announce:) When we were at this place for Beer Week, they gave us a couple truffles that looked like nipples! If you ask me, I think this is one sexually charged restaurant!

At the end of the evening, I realized how different our lives are when it dawned on my that we didn't take any photos of our fun night. We used to photograph EVERY outing, event... everything! Now it's just nice to be together and not worry about ruining the moment to take a picture.

4.26.08

Weezie and I have a date tonight! Dinner reservations and all. We've been so wrapped up in our jobs and getting pregnant, that I don't even remember the last time we went out on an official date. (Actually, that's not true. I think it was February 1st. We went out to dinner and that night I had my miscarriage. See?! It creeps into EVERY damn thought!)

Anyway, I am very excited as the restaurant we are going to is supposed to be incredible and last time we tried to get in, we got turned away:( It's pretty small and if you don't have reservations, it's pretty much a no go. But we are high rollin' tonight, kids!

4.26.08

Thursday night Matt had very late meetings and games, so we agreed to just pick up dinner for ourselves instead of cooking. Call me crazy, but I decided to get Taco Bell. The older I get, the more disgusting that place makes me feel, but every once in a while it sounds really good!

So I pulled up to the drive thru and the man taking the orders (we'll call him Paco) went through his opening shpeel and then I told him I needed just a second. He says it's no problem. And then this ensues:

Paco: OK, one second's up.

Me: Wellll, OK, maybe one minute.

Paco: Take your time! ... beep, beep, beep. 55 seconds left.

Me: laughs and wonders if this guy has been waiting his whole life to do this

Paco: ... beep, beep, beep

Me: OK, I'm ready! Could I please have 2 soft tacos, 1 Diet Coke, and a...

Paco: Oh, were you talking to me?

This continued even after I pulled up to the window and saw that Paco was not the squirrely high school boy I was envisioning, but a rather older gentleman thoroughly enjoying his job! I thought the whole thing was pretty darn funny, despite his persistent apologies at the end. I think if I ever work a drive-thru window, I'll do the same thing:)

4.24.08

I got a very nice phone call from my Aunt Bonnie, the one who went into the whole "relax" shpeel with me last week. This conversation was muuuuuch better, way more realistic and normal and not involving images of little eggs and sperm wearing flowy skirts, mustaches, daisies or braids. I really love my aunt and I wish I wouldn't have gotten upset over that conversation.

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In exciting baby news, I witnessed a baby's first crawl today!! It was so incredibly exciting! I was on the floor playing with a couple bebes and he decided he really wanted a toy that was just out of his reach, so he, very slowly and very wobbly, reached with one arm, did a little crawly scoot with one leg and then collapsed on top of the toy. We cheered, we clapped, we got teary eyed... I cannot wait to experience these milestones with my own children someday. I felt so proud of the little guy (Tanner is his name, by the way. Holy cuteness!).

The sad part is that his mother missed it. She had asked if we could call her if he started looking like he might start (evidentally they've been waiting for it to happen any day) and it just happened so quickly. I kind of hope they just don't tell her. Maybe he'll do it at home tonight and she'll think that was his first crawl. How hard for a mommy to miss those things.

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I got a phone call from Lisa during nap time this afternoon (honestly, I think I have the best job, lol) and she is finally OVULATING!!! I was so giddy for her, you'd have thought she just told me she was pregnant. But you don't know how big of an accomplishment this is for her body, so YAYYYYY Lisa's ovaries!!! Make some baby!!!

4.23.08 part 2

Also, today I had to give a statement to a detective about something that's going on at home with one of my students. It was so scary! After every sentence I was afraid my brain was lying to me and I'd get caught and thrown in the slammer.

There was a male detective and a female detective. And let me just tell you that male detectives are just as scary in person as they are in the movies! Cheesis! I almost gave him someone else's phone number by accident, I was so nervous!

But then again, I get nervous walking through the security things at stores. Right before I step through, my heart starts to beat faster. I don't know what I'm afraid of... that someone tossed something in my purse when I wasn't looking?! I don't know.

4.23.08

Just another instance of God answering prayers in very unexpected ways:) No, I'm not pregnant... probably not even close. In fact, despite my 300 year old neighbor's theory that a miscarriage is God's way of correcting your body so you're all set to go for next time, I think I'm screwed up even worse. When my brothers mention me to their future kids in conversation it will go something like "You know... Aunt Katie and Uncle Matt, the ones with all the dogs? The ones who always sleep on the fold-out couch at Grandma's?" Ugh, anyway, I've got to move on...

Back to God answering prayers in surprise ways. Today I was offerred a really exciting position at work that will pretty much make my life perfect! Remember how I mentioned that I love, love "playing" in the nursery at work? Well now I'll get to do that more often:) And not just that, but I get the month of June off... and a pay raise:) Hmm, I'll take it.

These relieves a bit of the worries I was having with working mostly freelance, as freelance can equal lots of uncertainty. Plus I saw in a movie or read in a book once that when you tell someone you're a freelance _________, it translates into "I'm unemployed". Which is so not true, but shoot I guess it could happen pretty easily!

So, I guess I'm not leaving SONshine just yet:) And, as my Marvelous Momma pointed out, I will have everyone's dream work schedule... 4 day weekends every week:) (and did I mention the babies???) I know this is a direct result of all the prayers from friends, family, co-workers, co-workers of family, neighbors... you name it. I really needed this.

4.22.08

I don't have much I'm able to share right now. But if you could find a minute to say a general prayer for Matt and me, we really need the support right now.

Life just kind of sucks:(

4.21.08

Last night I had a horrible, horrible, horrible night of sleep. I ended up in the guest bedroom and still didn't fall asleep until around 1:00 (alarm goes off at 5:30). Once asleep, I had awful dreams and just wasn't able to relax all night. Around 4:00, I dreamt that a baby's hand was on my face, right over my eye. My eyes shot wide open as if I'd just heard a bomb go off. It was a very eery feeling, but I can't help but think my baby was with me, trying to calm me down.

Don't cry mommy
I am right here by your side
I know that you can't see me
but I am watching you
I didn't go far
just up to Heaven to sit on God's lap
It is such a pretty place
full of light and laughter
No pain or illness
just sunshine and smiles
I'm helping God watch you
and the rest of our family too
I'm your baby still
even though I have left for Heaven
I'll always be with you mommy
so please pretty please
don't cry mommy

4.20.08

Today I woke up feeling super productive, so we skipped church and I rearranged the furniture:) Our loft has been looking sad and bare since we moved in almost 2 years ago. And our small sunroom/sewing room had enough furniture in it for 3 rooms combined!

So I brought up some of that furniture and now I finally feel good about our house:) I've been worrying about the loft and having to buy new furniture to make it look like a real room should we need to put our condo on the market this summer and now we won't have to. That's a financial relief:)

4.19.08

Yesterday I spent a couple hours helping out in the nursery at work, which was sooooo much fun. But while I was in there, I saw something... shocking? jaw dropping? maybe even a little horrifying?

It is called a nurse-ry, and it began as a way for the Academy teachers to bring their babies to work and have them taken care of in a way that still allowed them to leave their classes to nurse their babies, play with them, and just be with them. Part of the room is sectioned off for "non-mobile" infants who can't yet crawl or scoot. Also in this section are rocking chairs for feedings. So one teacher came in to nurse her baby boy and everyone got to chatting. (As a sidenote, I love just popping into the nursery to chat and feed or hold a baby because the women who work in there just crack me up. I'm really second guessing my decision not to switch from my class to there because it is such a fun place to work.)

So this mother is feeding her baby and we're all chatting and then she asks me a question, so I turn to face her head on and she has her breast out for the world to see. OK, I know moms get this way after turning into a nursing machine-- you just don't care anymore. BUT I saw way more than I ever hoped to see. I quickly averted my eyes to avoid the massive boob, even massiver areola and massiver yet nipple just chilling while her baby took a break. Guys, I've never seen such... huge... boobs! Is this how all pregnant/nursing breasts get? The areola had to have been 3-4 inches in diameter! And the nipple was like an inch long!!! I'm not going to lie, I was a little grossed out.

I'm sure I'll feel differently when I'm the one nursing my own baby and I'm sure there are a million other changes the body goes through and this is just par for the course, but man, oh man. My entire boob isn't even 4 inches across right now! Let alone its partners in crime!

You know I'll never be able to look at this woman without picturing her gigantic cartoon boobies lighting up before me.

4.17.08

Can't talk now... it's baby making time!

*cue Joni Mitchell*

4.15.08

While I adore my Aunt Bonnie, my phone conversation this afternoon kind of made me want to throw up. After a nice, long catch up, things took a turn for... wierd. (It's probably only fair for me to note that my aunt and uncle were total free-loving hippies who more than dabbled in their share of mind-altering substances during their college days. Sure, they're wonderful and successful people now, but sometimes I scratch my head and wonder how they made it this far.) It went a little bit like this:

Me: Also, we'll definitely be at the beach for Thanksgiving, so that's exciting.

Aunt B: Ohhh, yeah? So how are you doing with everything?

Me: Oh, you know. I'm feeling much better now, but I am getting a little frustrated and antsy. It's been 7 months since we stopped not trying to get pregnant... which means I could be 7 months along by now. And instead I feel like I'm... negative months along.

Aunt B: I know, I know. But I believe Mother Nature has her plan and the human body is an incredible thing. Just try to relax (lightening bolts) and enjoy this time (thunder clashing). This might be too much information--

Me: Nothing is too much information at this point--

Aunt B: *laughs* I remember, after trying for so many years to not get pregnant and then finally having that freedom... to create a child of love with the person who you love... it was such an exciting and emotional time. To conceive a human being with no taking temperatures or rushing to beat the clock or keeping track of signs... out of nothing but the love between two people... I really loved that time.

*cue Joni Mitchell*

*free the doves*

Me: Hmm. I remember that time. It lasted a couple months. And then my baby-- my dream for my future, my hopes, my vision of myself as a mother-- died and all that naive crap about magically creating a love child died along with it.

Just another reason why I sometimes hate talking about my miscarriage with mothers who have never been there. I wish I could just accept advice like this, knowing that it is meant with all the best of intentions. But instead I feel like I'm being told how I should feel or think. I don't know what I expect from people... honestly. It's not their fault they haven't been through this before. They just want to help. And then I get all bitchy over words that really are coming from their heart. They're damned if they do and damned if they don't. Maybe I should just not talk about it anymore.

4.14.08

On my way home from work today, my neighbor, Betty, called and said "Katie, don't you make dinner tonight! I had bridge club here today and I've got leftovers, so stop by when you get home."

Ummmm, SOLD!

She is so cute and let me tell you... she hooked us up! (Complete with everything from shrimp cocktail through Lemon Delight dessert... I don't even like shrimp cocktail but it looks so pretty sitting in my refrigerator, plus I didn't have the heart to tell her, hehe)

I asked her why her daugther wasn't benefiting from bridge club and she told me "Don't worry about her... I'm your mom today!" But the cutest part of my visit was when she took me on a tour of her condo, which *surprise* looks just like ours! She showed me pictures of her late husband and I asked her how they met (scandalous, scandalous!) and she told me what a great dresser he was and how she fell for him over his dance moves. It was so neat to see her eyes light up and hear her giggle. She really giggled:)

We have some of the sweetest neighbors.

4.13.08 part 2

Matt and I have these moments, regularly, when we just look at each other and shake our heads... in disbelief of where we live and the people we around surrounded by.

Today, while driving to CVS, I had one of these moments and seeing as how the dog was the only one in the car with me, I just shook my head to myself... because what I saw was not not Easter eggs still dangling from a tree, not even a Christmas wreath still hanging on a front door (although there is one down the street that stays up 365), no, no, no. What I saw was...

A pumpkin. Sitting on a porch swing.

Please, Lord. Get us out of here.

4.13.08

I love teaching pre-schoolers. I absolutely love it. I love when a parent comes in Monday morning and tells me her child wouldn't take her mouse ears headband off all weekend-- including bedtime. I love when I overhear a child reading "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?" all on his own (or his own rendition of it!). I love when I look over and see a group of girls (AND boys!) rearranging the book center to make it into a classroom-- and then seeing their re-enactments of Ms. Kame teaching circle time (alllllways pretty entertaining!).

There are so many awesome parts of working with children. But then there are some not so great parts.

Last month we had a suspected case of child neglect and spent an entire day going back and forth between the school and Target trying to find clothes to fit one of our little girls who is severely overweight and was wearing clothes 6 sizes too small. This same child contracted a UTI because her clothing and underwear were so extremely tight. Yet she begged to come to school because she did not want to be at home with her mom. The final straw was when I found her holding herself in pain and crying silently during naptime. (But I will say that seeing this child come to school the last couple weeks wearing her girly clothes with a HUGE smile on her face has been priceless. For the first time, seeing a Hannah Montana shirt didn't make me cringe, simply because this little girl was finally able to look and act just like the other girls.)

Two days ago a little girl shared some horribly disturbing information with Shirley and me. Information you hope you never have to hear come out of the mouth of a 5 year old. Words a 5 year old shouldn't even understand. I will never forget the look on her face when she poured out every last detail of what she recently experienced. Having to file a report for an investigation is something I knew could happen, but it's not something I actually expected from my job. (Thankfully my directors and a team of pastors stepped in, so I didnt actually have to file the report myself.) I've been praying for this little girl all weekend. I'm worried that her parents don't believe her. When I came home on Friday evening to see an Amber alert of the television, my heart dropped. It wasn't my little girl, but the look on her mom and dad's face and the details of the accusation terrified me when I saw that a child was missing.

I hate seeing some of my kids open their lunch boxes at lunch time and have nothing to drink inside. It usually happens on the last Friday of the month.

I just wish I could take these kids home with me, doctor them up, spoil them (a little bit!) and let them be kiddos. I hate that they know the difference between the haves and the have nots. I hate that they get ignored at home and come to school with their chins down and no sense of personal identity because it's not cultivated at home. I hate that some of these children have seen things I as an adult have never had to see-- and probably never will.

But I love that while these children are with me in my classroom, I can give them a healthy, structured, safe, and loving second home. And leaving that is going to be very difficult.

4.11.08

Yay! It's Friday! One more week closer to sum-sum-summa time!

4.9.08

Yesterday I shocked myself! I was laminating some paper daisies for the hallway bulletin board and set the flowers on the little metal tray and gave them a little nudge to send them through the roller. Well, I had forgotten to turn that roller switch on, and evidentally it built up a huge electrical charge because when my palm touched the metal tray, a shock went up my hand, arm and shoulder! It was the creepiest feeling! Not so much painful, but more like someone rain a dozen hairbrushes up my arm. Plus, the "shock" of what had happened... I just stood there like a deer in the headlights.

After I realized the switch was off, I turned it on and the first thing I did was touch the metal tray to see if it was safe. Duh!

So teachers, be careful of the laminator!

4.8.08

Wow, we're already a quarter of the way through April? This is great! I officially have less than 8 weeks of school left until I'm a free woman. My June plans? Write outside with my toes in the water at my parents' house:) Every day:) With a little NYC, Louisville, and what is shaping up to be a fun pampering party with friends and family!

I've also decided to quit charting. It's making me crazy and I don't sleep very well with the nagging thermometer in the back of my mind. Now I can sleep easy without having to worry about taking my temp within the proper time frame, making sure I'm super still, and the biggest of them all... making sure I don't fall back to sleep with the thermometer hanging out of my mouth (been there, done that.) I still plan on using OPKs mid-month, but other than that, I'm taking my doctor's advice and relaxing. She's the only one who is allowed to give me that advice!

4.6.08

Sometimes I think the only thing that will make the sadness go away is to be pregnant again. Or to have the hope that I might be pregnant. The first 2 weeks of every month pretty much suck. I hate waiting.

I remember last March when I had my gallbladder removed, I picked up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. That was one year ago. I never imagined I'd still be waiting around. I never imagined I would have already lost one baby a year from then.

I am beginning to feel like maybe my sadness is too much. I know it has only been a couple months since my miscarriage, but I have cried every day for the last two weeks. I offer support to other women and tell them that the pain gets easier every day, but I turn around with an aching heart and break down every day. Matt doesn't even know what to do anymore. He just lets me cry and once I'm finished he'll hold me or hug me and I don't blame him. What else can he do?

Today was a beautiful day. We took the dog on a hike, let him play around the lake, came home and sat outside with a glass of wine, my Newsweek and Matt's Cigar Afficianado... the skies were bright blue, the sun was warm and Midas looked so handsome napping with the breeze blowing through his pretty fur. I felt so happy~ Yet an hour later, I was on the living floor playing with the dog and suddenly couldn't handle all the bad stuff.

I want my baby. I want my family. I want back that incredible feeling of holding the world inside of me. I want to feel happy and secure. I want this waiting to be over.

4.5.08

Do you know what this is?



It's me holding my last student loan payment!!! It's done forever:)

4.4.08

Just when I was feeling disappointed, let down, and forgotten by a group of good friends who I, admittedly, have not kept in good touch with in the past couple months, I've had a good phone chat with 2 of my best friends and got an email from my sister-in-law (the nice one! the one I enjoy hearing from! the one who doesn't make me want to stab myself in the eyeballz!) that made me really excited for the beach AND for my upcoming party... and really, I feel so much better.

Even though I do feel better, I feel like writing about what really upset me last week. I heard back from the previously mentioned group of friends about my party and they basically told me that they wouldn't be able to make it because that day is Emily's bachelorette party... and by the way, I'm invited. Gee, thanks? Sometimes I get tired of being there for everyone else's special occasions. I finally decided to step up and mention that the party was on my birthday-- something I've refused to do in the past, but have also realized that the people whose birthdays I usually help celebrate almost always organize their own get together. So I finally did it, and got shot down. And when I suggested an earlier time in the day, like noon? Well, that won't work either. And by the way, they're all pretty much busy all of June. OK, then:)

As bitchy as it may sound, I really do not care to spend my birthday celebrating someone else's bachelorette party, especially when I already feel like an afterthought and don't really enjoy "going out" these days anyway (OK, I haven't enjoyed "going out"-- as in, going to 3 different bars, paying a cover, and walking all over the place in uncomfortable shoes-- since college). I would much rather be with my family and closest friends, sitting outside on a deck or nestled in a cozy booth at a restaurant with a few people who make my life happy.

Andrea and I always say how birthdays are one of those things that we don't want a big deal made out of-- because that's awkward and not really our thing, but at the same time if no one remembers our day, it would be sad and pretty sucky. So in the end, birthdays end up being wierd and awkward.

So I'm trying to just get over it. Summers are really busy and I know they wouldn't purposely try to hurt my feelings. I was extremely emotional last week (turns out I do PMS!) and probably blew it out of proportion. I just wish it wasn't so hard to keep in touch with friends. I hate being the one who lives far away.

4.4.08

So, thanks AF, for showing up 5 days early. Guess I'm back to 28-day cycles.

Instead of being 8 months pregnant, I'll be spending my Thanksgiving here



Not a bad tradeoff:)

4.3.08

So much to think about with my job. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I thought I had my mind made up to leave at the end of the school year and focus on writing while basking in the sun all summer. And now a zillion great opportunities have been handed to me if I stay, but none of them address the issue of the long drive and the astronomical gas prices. I'm praying for guidance and help in feeling God's will in my heart, but how do I really know where God wants me to be? It's so hard. Sometimes my prayers feel like a broken record.

Also, I should have either really good news or kinda crappy news tomorrow morning, if you catch my drift:).

4.2.08

In the last 3 days, I have cried over a puppy, a dead deer, seeing the woman who hit the deer crying on the side of the road, Bambi, the puppy again, my baby in Heaven, my neighbor who found out she has oral cancer (who I don't even know), the dead deer again, nothing, Dan In Real Life, nothing again, Matt pretending to be a dog, Matt rubbing my belly and calling what he hopes is inside "Little Weezie", Shirley snapping at me, having to pretend like I'm OK with my Columbus friends not being able to come to my party and having to act like despite this being one of the things keeping my head together this week, that it's no big deal and all of this without any of them knowing about my miscarriage.

The point is, I can't stop crying and most of the time it's for stupid things or nothing at all.

But on a happy note, I have a girl's weekend planned with Lisa and Molly in June!