Wednesday, December 31, 2008


(Coming later today... Lilly's Birth Story, Part 3: The Aftermath. (The guts, the gore and all the other gross stuff I promised))

Early this morning our power went out. Lilly had decided that this would be the night she'd give us a little reminder of Decemeber 21st-- just 10 days ago-- when we brought home the scariest little baby on the block. Thankfully Grandma is here this time around and has been relieving us of several nighttime feedings, which has allowed us to get the extra sleep we'd been lacking the first time around.

This time, we were able to think much more clearly and when all went dark and the temperature in our house dropped to a frigid level, among screams, chokes and cries from our 12-day old baby, Dad grabbed the carseat, I bundled Lilly up and off we went for a soothing drive. And it worked like a charm! Lilly didn't make a peep and Mommy enjoyed a few minutes of rest in the passenger seat.

While we drove, I heard a Rascal Flatts song I'd never heard before. I was glued to the radio as the words poured out, as if they'd come straight out of my head, speaking about this past year's ups and downs. I could listen over and over again. How perfect a time for this song to come into our world-- as we drove around a darkened small town at 3am, 12-day old in tow.

Rascal Flatts, "Here" (lyrics are in italics)

Today is the last day of 2008. When Matt and I lost our first baby on February 1st, we quickly lost hope for having a 2008 baby. 2009 seemed so far away-- too far away. Nothing about losing our sweet angel seemed fair. It was miserable to look around and see pregnant women, glowing and rubbing their tummies in wonder of what was to come. It seemed like everywhere else but in our little home becoming a mommy was so simple, so easy, so effortless. As angry and hurt as we were, we knew we had to hold our sweet baby in our hearts and bring her along for the ride. Never would we completely move on or forget what could have been. And that was our personal choice.

But God gently soothed our hearts, held our hands and led our hobbling family onward. When we found out we were expecting a January baby, we felt what all miscarriage survivors feel-- worry, anxiety, doubt, fear, guilt... and maybe a little bit of excitement. We often say that we feel jipped out of the naive experience of a first timer. The sheer bliss of not knowing how quickly it can all unravel and leave you heaped in a ball under the weight of the world.

There's a place I've been lookin' for that took me in and out of buildings, behind windows, walls and doors. And I thought I found it couple times, even settled down. And I'd hang around just long enough to find my way back out. I know now the place that I was trying to reach was you, right here in front of me.

Yet here we had been given exactly what we'd wished, prayed, begged and bargained for! After a few weeks of trepidation, we knew it was time to embrace our new little one and give her all the love our hearts could muster. If this journey should, too, be cut short, we wanted her to know she was loved every second of every day that she was with us.

And I wouldn't change a thing. I'd walk right back through the rain back to every broken heart on the day that it was breakin' and I'd relive all the years and be thankful for the tears I've cried with every stumbled step that led to you and got me here, right here.

Nine months later and here we are experiencing what it is to be a Mom and Dad. How it feels to provide for every need our little girl has. To feel pride, fear, hope, anxiety, bliss, guilt, shock, terror, and joy all in one day and go to bed (for a couple hours anyway!) feeling whole and filled with love. Not only did Lilly arrive, bringing us full cirlce, but she even came a little early-- a 2008 baby was in store for us all this time. We just had to be patient and trust that God would deliver! And deliver he did! And although we know that God had the ultimate upper hand here, we like to think that our little Lilly had a small part in helping heal her Mommy and Daddy's hearts. She arrived just in time to give us the closure we needed and the renewed lease on life to provide everything in the world for our sweet girl. We love you, Lilly and we thank you for everything you have brought to our lives in the last 39 weeks! It's hard to believe that you should still be cooking inside my belly, but we are so blessed that you are here-- healthy and beautiful.

It's amazing what I let my heart go through to get me where it got me. In this moment here with you. And it passed me by God knows how many times. I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find. I know now, there's a million roads I had to take to get me in your arms that way.

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to --here. And if that's the road God made me take to be with you...


Jenn said...

Oh I love that song. Back in October I made a post asking if that's what it will be like. Will we be thankful for the years? Would we choose to go through it again, if it meant being in that moment where we actually get to hold our newborn?

I really am so happy for you guys, that you have a healthy happy little Lilly :) You are an encouragement to me. Happy New Year

Mr. B, Mrs. B, and Baby B?!!?! said...

You truly have an inspirational story. DH and I had an ectopic in November and your story is so heart warming. Lily is beautiful!!! Happy New Year to all 3 of you!