Tuesday, March 4, 2008

3.4.08

One of Matt's students had her baby last weekend. She's 15. I've been asking about her regularly for the last couple months because I thought I was genuinely concerned for her. Turns out, I have some deep resentment towards her and hearing that she finally had her healthy baby girl, after a smooth and healthy pregnancy, with a close-knit family that will hopefully take good care of the baby made me sad and angry. I should be happy that this baby is healthy. That the mother is healthy. That the baby might possibly stand a chance at a decent future. But I'm not. Instead I wonder why. Why her and not me? Why a 15-year old girl who stood in the bathroom one day, terrified, probably begging God for the test to be negative, was given a precious life to care for while I sit on the sidelines, desperate to become a mother. Desperate to create a life. Desperate to bring a child into this world and give it every opportunity. I can't make sense of God's plan.

2 comments:

Andrea said...

You are completely justified, HL. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way -- you're only human and your feelings are valid.

Lisa said...

I have to agree with Andrea, again :), and there is NOTHING wrong with the way you feel, what you feel is completely normal, and if you did not feel that way, well, to be honest, it would be a little odd. Love, please believe me, I know it may not make you feel too much better...but I still harbor great amounts of resentment, so I am right there with you. *hugs*muah*