Tuesday, March 4, 2008
One of Matt's students had her baby last weekend. She's 15. I've been asking about her regularly for the last couple months because I thought I was genuinely concerned for her. Turns out, I have some deep resentment towards her and hearing that she finally had her healthy baby girl, after a smooth and healthy pregnancy, with a close-knit family that will hopefully take good care of the baby made me sad and angry. I should be happy that this baby is healthy. That the mother is healthy. That the baby might possibly stand a chance at a decent future. But I'm not. Instead I wonder why. Why her and not me? Why a 15-year old girl who stood in the bathroom one day, terrified, probably begging God for the test to be negative, was given a precious life to care for while I sit on the sidelines, desperate to become a mother. Desperate to create a life. Desperate to bring a child into this world and give it every opportunity. I can't make sense of God's plan.