Friday, June 29, 2007

6.29.07 v 2.0

Just in case anyone needs to know how to be a trophy wife...

I bring you...

How To Be a Trophy Wife
By: Me

Sure, being a trophy wife may seem like a day at the spa, but the shoes of a trophy wife, albeit stylish and to die for, aren’t easy to fill. Follow these steps to see if you’ve got what it takes to become Mr. Right’s right-hand ma’am.

Steps
Step 1: Turn heads, especially his boss’s, his father’s, and all of his colleagues’. When you show up on your man’s arm, onlookers should lose their train of thought, nervously clear their throat and instinctively hide their wedding bands.

Step 2: Network, even when you’re off the clock. A company cocktail hour here and a golf fundraiser there would be a piece of cake-- fat free, at that—but the real work starts when he’s not looking. You should be networking at the salon, the country club, the gym and anywhere else where his name needs dropped.

Step 3: Nail the lawn boy. Or the pool boy or the handy man. Take your pick. You work hard for your man and he has no responsibility to thank you for it, so find someone else to thank you for your services. Just make sure he’s more ripped, has more hair and looks hot when sweaty.

Step 4: Organize parties, fundraisers and dinners, even when you haven’t seen your man in person since last week. He needs your assistance even when he’s invisible.

Step 5: Mind the three B’s: Blonde, Boobs, BMW. Keep them well-maintained and up-to-date.

Step 6: Look good in Lycra. Have your man arrange for a gym membership and use it regularly, if only to make an appearance. Order salads when in public, but don’t eat them. Over-indulge on wine and champagne. Drink coffee, coffee drinks and anything else, as long as it’s in a coffee cup. Your meals should really only consist of drinking.

4 comments:

Bryna said...

Have you been watching "The Starter Wife"?

K-tell said...

noooo... should i??? oh wait, is that with debrah messing? i saw the first episode and was so confused... i thought it was a movie!!

Bryna said...

I thought that it was going to be a movie too, but it's an okay show to watch in the summer when nothing else is on...
Anyway, that show is FULL of trophy wives.

Andrea said...

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER! ;) That is all I have to say.

Well, that, and you are an amazing and hilarious writer. This was great!