12.31.08

Lilly's Birth Story, Part III: Post Partum

I've been keeping a list of things I want to remember in case I ever become daring enough to have another baby. I do think that knowing what to expect, in this case, is much scarier than going into it without a clue as to what lies ahead. But this is all part of Lilly's story and I want to remember every little detail.


1. Epidural swelling. It's no surprise that my swelling continued through labor and delivery. Even my elbows went missing for a couple days! But what really freaked me out was when I took a shower on Day 2 and as I was drying my lower back, I noticed lots of large lumps and bumps-- like snow mogels. It was also very tender, which I assumed was from the epidural and the accompanying injections. When I asked Nurse Jolene she just shook her head and said "You've got so much swelling, honey, your whole body is swollen." So really, it had nothing to do with the actual epi, which was a relief. But sure enough, before this whole party was over, I would have swelling from head to toe.


2. During the stitch-up/clean-up/recovery portion of the delivery, I vaguely remember hearing two nurses discussing conflicting gauze counts. One was getting 29, the other was getting 30. They started out with 30-- one was missing. Matt gave me the full story later. It turns out that in addition to a piece of gauze, a pair of scissors were also missing. Evidently, all that was once lost was eventually found. I'm hoping anyway:) I also heard two nurses discuss conflicting blood loss measurements. One thought I'd lost 500 units (Im not sure what units are used) and the other lowered her voice and said "Nooo, it was 750".


3. Which brings me to the Magnesium and Potassium. Once all of the chaos subsided and everything calmed down Nurse Jolene brought me a dose of Magnesium and a small cup of Potassium that was mixed with what tasted like orange soda on the rocks:) It was very salty, but after dying of thirst for hours and sucking the daylights out of crushed ice, I slurped that bad boy down in record time. Magnesium can sometimes cause extremely uncomfortable side effects, but thankfully I had none that I can remember.

4. In the 3rd trimester, I started snoring A LOT! It was so bad that I couldn't even stand myself! I hated falling asleep because it was a constant battle between my belly, my back and my adnoids. The great news is, the snoring is gone. My theory is that with all of the tissue and membrane softening a woman goes through later in pregnancy, the nose is no exception! I turned into a Pug for a good 6 weeks! Matt is also quite happy that this phase is over:)


5. The Post-partum shower. Also not as scary as I anticipated. I had the option of using a walk-in shower that was part of the Birth Center, but not in my room or the jacuzzi tub that had hand-held shower head. I chose to stay in my room and although it was tricky climbing in and out of the jacuzzi, it was worth it to have the privacy of my own bathroom.


6. Looking back and reading about Preeclampsia, it seems so obvious that I was headed down that road. I understand my doctor was following protocol and the absense of protein in my urine reflected that I did not have Pre-e until the day I was induced. Between my last 24 hour urine test and the one I finished the day of the induction, I went from a 210 to over 500. When I read about the condition, it's me to a T. I'm so thankful that once the bloodwork and everything was in, that Lilly was born healthy and beautiful. All those snafus along the way are nothing compared to what could have happened had Dr. S not been on top of things at the end.


7. Post-partum depression. I'm working on this one. I think it'll be a separate post and I've debated whether to even include it in Lilly's story because I don't want to cloud the blessing of her birth with negativity, but I feel like it's important to put out there in case anyone might feel or think the same way I've been. If it can help someone to see that childbirth isn't the same rosy, blissful experience for everyone then I'd want them to find that here.


8. Remember the kegel exercises you're supposed to do "all the time"? Well I didnt because they make me want to throw up. But guess what? I think I should have. Then again, maybe even the most dilligent Kegelcisor can't combat the force of shoving a watermelon out the hooha. What I'm saying is that for the first two days, it was very important to get out of bed and force myself to pee so I never got to the point of having to hold it. Because there wasn't a fiber of muscle around to help me out in that department! Thank goodness for the monster pads and mesh undies stashed plentifully on the back of my bathroom door! They may look frightening but I was sure to load up on them before checking out of the hospital!


9. Now for the good stuff. Normally I would never have shared how much weight I gained, but now that I see how much of it was water weight and NOT all of those Dairy Queen Blizzards and McDonalds double cheeseburgers, I must share. Priscilla and other swollen mommies-to-be, pay attention-- you're going to like this! I gained 47 pounds in 37 weeks. By day 5 PP, I had lost 37 of those. Today, 12 days PP, I am at my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm not breastfeeding. That was a HECK OF A LOT of fluid residing in my bod! It was in my eyelids, my face, my elbows... even my toes had rolls! But God gave me a big break after all those weeks of suffering by making darn sure it promptly left my body! Nothing changed during the first two days PP, but my doctor put me on a water pill for 6 days and it did the trick. Don't get me wrong, my tummy looks like a deflated balloon and feels like a bowl of pizza dough. That part will take some time! But I feel SO much better now that I can move... and FEEL my appendages:)

10. Some Before/After pics.

Before...







After...

12.31.08

(Coming later today... Lilly's Birth Story, Part 3: The Aftermath. (The guts, the gore and all the other gross stuff I promised))

Early this morning our power went out. Lilly had decided that this would be the night she'd give us a little reminder of Decemeber 21st-- just 10 days ago-- when we brought home the scariest little baby on the block. Thankfully Grandma is here this time around and has been relieving us of several nighttime feedings, which has allowed us to get the extra sleep we'd been lacking the first time around.

This time, we were able to think much more clearly and when all went dark and the temperature in our house dropped to a frigid level, among screams, chokes and cries from our 12-day old baby, Dad grabbed the carseat, I bundled Lilly up and off we went for a soothing drive. And it worked like a charm! Lilly didn't make a peep and Mommy enjoyed a few minutes of rest in the passenger seat.

While we drove, I heard a Rascal Flatts song I'd never heard before. I was glued to the radio as the words poured out, as if they'd come straight out of my head, speaking about this past year's ups and downs. I could listen over and over again. How perfect a time for this song to come into our world-- as we drove around a darkened small town at 3am, 12-day old in tow.

Rascal Flatts, "Here" (lyrics are in italics)


Today is the last day of 2008. When Matt and I lost our first baby on February 1st, we quickly lost hope for having a 2008 baby. 2009 seemed so far away-- too far away. Nothing about losing our sweet angel seemed fair. It was miserable to look around and see pregnant women, glowing and rubbing their tummies in wonder of what was to come. It seemed like everywhere else but in our little home becoming a mommy was so simple, so easy, so effortless. As angry and hurt as we were, we knew we had to hold our sweet baby in our hearts and bring her along for the ride. Never would we completely move on or forget what could have been. And that was our personal choice.

But God gently soothed our hearts, held our hands and led our hobbling family onward. When we found out we were expecting a January baby, we felt what all miscarriage survivors feel-- worry, anxiety, doubt, fear, guilt... and maybe a little bit of excitement. We often say that we feel jipped out of the naive experience of a first timer. The sheer bliss of not knowing how quickly it can all unravel and leave you heaped in a ball under the weight of the world.


There's a place I've been lookin' for that took me in and out of buildings, behind windows, walls and doors. And I thought I found it couple times, even settled down. And I'd hang around just long enough to find my way back out. I know now the place that I was trying to reach was you, right here in front of me.


Yet here we had been given exactly what we'd wished, prayed, begged and bargained for! After a few weeks of trepidation, we knew it was time to embrace our new little one and give her all the love our hearts could muster. If this journey should, too, be cut short, we wanted her to know she was loved every second of every day that she was with us.

And I wouldn't change a thing. I'd walk right back through the rain back to every broken heart on the day that it was breakin' and I'd relive all the years and be thankful for the tears I've cried with every stumbled step that led to you and got me here, right here.


Nine months later and here we are experiencing what it is to be a Mom and Dad. How it feels to provide for every need our little girl has. To feel pride, fear, hope, anxiety, bliss, guilt, shock, terror, and joy all in one day and go to bed (for a couple hours anyway!) feeling whole and filled with love. Not only did Lilly arrive, bringing us full cirlce, but she even came a little early-- a 2008 baby was in store for us all this time. We just had to be patient and trust that God would deliver! And deliver he did! And although we know that God had the ultimate upper hand here, we like to think that our little Lilly had a small part in helping heal her Mommy and Daddy's hearts. She arrived just in time to give us the closure we needed and the renewed lease on life to provide everything in the world for our sweet girl. We love you, Lilly and we thank you for everything you have brought to our lives in the last 39 weeks! It's hard to believe that you should still be cooking inside my belly, but we are so blessed that you are here-- healthy and beautiful.


It's amazing what I let my heart go through to get me where it got me. In this moment here with you. And it passed me by God knows how many times. I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find. I know now, there's a million roads I had to take to get me in your arms that way.

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to --here. And if that's the road God made me take to be with you...

12.27.08

Lilly's birth story, Part II

I believe it was somewhere around 6:00pm at this point, but to be honest the clock in the room was behind my bed, so I never really had much of concept of where we were in the evening.

The pitocin was started although I was having contractions on my own-- about a level 3 on the pain scale. A couple hours passed (seriously, I have no idea!) and the pain remained at a level 3-4. I was beginning to think this was going to be a breeze! I was somewhere around 4 cm, I believe. The nurse also determined that Lilly's head was now up very high-- after weeks of hearing how low she was and that her head was "RIGHT THERE!" that little stinker had scurried back up, perhaps one last attempt at changing her mind about the whole "light at the end of the tunnel" experience she'd been pushing for for the last 6 weeks.

My doctor decided it would be a good time to break my water, but after attempting to do so, decided I must have sprung a leak somewhere along the line because I had no water to break. Nurse Mindy and Murse Michelle noticed I didn't have much of anything when they first checked me earlier that afternoon and actually did two FFN tests that came back positive for amniotic fluid. I was stumped as I'm pretty sure I would have noticed, even if it was just a trickle. But because of this and not knowing when it actually happened (more or less than 24 hours before this point), I was started on an antibiotic. I had no fever though and because I had been having contractions on my own, we figured it probably happened sometime the night before.

At my next check I had progressed to 6cm and my doctor thought it would be better to have the baby's heart rate monitored through the scalp instead of the belly monitors. I'm not really sure why. At some point I quit asking questions and just got into position. Modesty only gets you so far at a time like this. Matt left the room to give his parents an update, and inside I felt like he needed to stay by my side. Perhaps it was because in the process of attaching the scalp monitor, my water broke! There it was! It wasn't much, so it probably had been leaking and I was too focused on waiting for contractions that I didn't notice.

It's true what they say about the pain worsening once the water breaks. WOWEE! At this point I opted for a dose of Nubane in my IV. It's the same narcotic I was given for my migraine a couple weeks earlier and it worked wonderfully! I was told it would work as well as I allowed for it to, so I relaxed myself and went to sleep. Unfortunately Nubane wears off after an hour to an hour and a half and the first dose is the best. I was slowly coming out of the sleepy stage and having to breathe through the contractions. I remember thinking I was the only person in the room-- it was so quiet. But I didn't want to open my eyes for fear of leaving "my place". I knew I needed to make a decision soon as to whether I would want an epidural-- and if I decided I wanted one, the anasthesiologist would need 10-15 minutes to get to the hospital.

Not wanting to bother the nurses (Why? I have no idea.) I waited for the next one to come and check on me. I decided to get one more dose of Nubane and asked her to order the epi. It's true that the first dose is the best-- the second just makes you really tired! And that anasthesiologist took NO 10-15 minutes to get there! Or maybe it did, but once he arrived he took his good sweet time getting his gear together and getting started. I could hear him in the hallway and the nurses kept telling me "He's here, he's coming" and I just kept telling myself "One more contraction and then he'll be here". One more turned into about 30 more, but finally he came in with his cart of goodness.

He was half very friendly and half a complete jerk. I suppose he had to be precise and stern with his directions though. This is not the time for dramatics. He had me sit up with my feet dangling over the side of the bed and my arms over Nurse Jolene's shoulders. THIS RIGHT HERE may have been the most painful part of the entire delivery. Not the needle, not the meds burning into my spine, not any of that. Simply having to A) sit up, B) hunch over so my back was surrounding my baby, and C) do so through contractions at a pain level of about 8. Three times during the labor and delivery do I remember letting out a panicked whimper-- once while waiting for the epi, once during and once while Lilly was half delivered!

Matt later told me that the epidural consisted of about 6 shots and then the line that stayed in my back. A couple days later I felt tape residue behind my neck and had to ask him where the world it came from-- the epi. My goodness, he went to town back there.

I have no idea what happened between then and push time, but before I knew it the nurses were saying something about being "full" and I had to ask "How many centimeters am I?" to find out that I was a full 10 cm, 100% effaced and ready to bring my little girl into the world.

Shoot.

I suppose I figured all would be fine after having JUST recieved the epidural. Please. That thing did nothing. And the Nubane had me still half asleep! The lights were turned off, the bed was raised up halfway to the ceiling and a big old spot light was rolled in to shed a little light on "my situation". But I could barely stay awake!

The thing about "my situation" was that I really had no choice but to do what the nurses told me and do it with everything I could muster. Matt was on my right side, Nurse Jolene was on my left and as I felt a contraction starting, I would grab onto two handles beneath my legs, Matt and Jolene would pull my knees back and I'd push the living daylights out of me. Usually it was 3 pushes for 10 seconds for each contraction. But sometimes I would have 2 contractions in a row. Or sometimes I'd have 3! So you can imagine, seeing as how I was halfway up to the ceiling, Matt and Jolene got quite a workout themselves! Both were stripping off clothes, sweating, stretching between contractions and deep breathing every chance they got!

I pushed for almost an hour and found that my doctor, although not the most helpful during my pregnancy, was a huge help in encouraging me. Everyone else around me was saying "Good job!", "You're doing it!". But Dr. S. was very quiet. Only occasionally would she say something like "THAT'S IT" and I would know I was doing it right. At the end of the hour, probably around 2:10am, out came Lilly's head and Dr. S. told me to stop. It was like having half of my arm chopped off, swinging around by a thread and being told "Hang on, I'll be there in a sec." I believe this is when the third whimper came about. The cord was wrapped around Miss Lilly's neck and just needed a little assistance. After what seemed like an eternity, I asked "What am I supposed to do?" and Nurse Jess said "Push your baby out, Momma!" So out she came, slipping and sliding into Dr. S's arms-- and nearly FALLING ON THE FLOOR! She was a wild child from birth:)

When the doctor put her on my chest, I remember feeling scared and a little detached from the experience. I was very emotional, but it wasn't what I expected. I think the drugs had gotten to me and the atmosphere of the dark room, being pumped up in the air (have I mentioned I was half way up to the ceiling?!), and the culmination of a very chaotic and unexpected day left me feeling... strange. All of that disappeared once I woke up hours later and saw her in her isolette-- it was like meeting her for the first time. She looked so different... so peaceful. I kept looking at her thinking "She's ours. We get to take her home ad keep her!"

It was a long, painful process and I'm definitely not to the point yet where I can say "once she was in my arms, I forgot about all the pain." I haven't and I'm sure I won't for a while. I love my little girl with my whole being and would do it again in a heartbeat, but I'm no fool. The pain of pregnancy, labor and delivery is still very fresh!


I know I promised gore, but it turns out my dad is now reading this and I don't think he wants to read about placentas, lost scissors and gauze or what the last week has brought (dear God). So I'll leave that to your imagination!

12.25.08 part 2

HO HO HO... it's Daddy Claus!!

12.25.08

Lilly's birth story, Part I.

On the morning of Thursdsay, Dec. 18th I had my regular NST appointment, followed by lab work, and then an appointment to "get things started naturally" at my weekly appointment. Matt was so sure that this would be the big day, that he took off both Thursday and Friday from work. I was a little hesitant about him doing this as he NEVER misses work and I had no idea if the procedure would actually kickstart labor or not. At our NST, we joked with our favorite nurse, Mindy, that today WOULD be the day. She just laughed and said "maybe you'll have a Christmas baby afterall". I don't think she expected to see us walking back through the doors a few hours later.

At my 9:30 appointment Dr. S checked me and I was 3-4 cm dilated, 80% effaced. She also told me that she was waiting on lab results from my bloodwork and my 24 hour urine protein, which I'd been doing once a week for the previous couple weeks. It was the one factor missing from diagnosing Pre-ecclampsia, despite the swelling, high blood pressure, headaches and seeing spots. She told me that the week before it had been 210 and if it was over 300 this time, we would need to induce. I figured it would come in around the same as last time.

Matt and I came home and I gathered some of my things together, just in case. Thankfully I did a little cleaning, but the swelling had reached its peak and I was barely able to walk without pain and major discomfort so the cleaning didn't last long. I made a phone call to the hospital to ask about a bill from our child birth class and as I was on the phone with them, I got a text from my doctor that said "PLEASE CALL". I quickly got off the phone and as I was dialing her office, my phone rang and it was her telling us to get to the hospital right away as my level was over 500 and my platelets were low.

I looked at Matt from the bedroom and gave him a huge-eyed "OH MY GOSH" look, hung up the phone and suddenly had no idea what to do! I started cleaning the kitchen counter tops, straightening pillows, and making sure nothing embarrassing was lying around (you know, like a breast pump on the kitchen table?!), Matt jumped in the shower, I had a heart-to-heart with Midas... ALL very important things to take care of, right?! Within a half hour we were on our way.

We registered and were greeted by all the registration ladies who had taken care of me over the last several weeks. They were so excited to know that today was finally the big day! I received one last hospital bracelet (or so I thought) and we were on our way to the Family Birth Center. We walked into the birth center and got lots of laughs from the nursing staff since we had totally called it. After seeing these women several times a week and having been taken such good care of by them, it was like having part of our family with us right away.

Instead of being sent to Rm. 202 (one of the observation rooms) where I always went for NSTs, and where I spent the evening doped up on narcotics and tranquilizers... and actually where it all started with my pre-term labor madness, we were sent to Room 204... a REAL L&D room!



Unfortunately lots of lab work was required before getting anything started. Waiting on the results took THREE long hours, during which I was told I probably would not be able to have an epidural because of my low platelets. I think they told us anything under 1000 is too low and I was about 1500 so the anesthesiologist was leaning towards "No". I wasn't too terribly upset as I was completely open to whatever kind of labor would bring a healthy baby into the world, whether that be with the use of a narcotic, an epidural or nothing at all (ha, yeah right).

Just as we were cleared to start the pitocin and the bag was being hung on the IV pole, everything came to a halt. The "higher up" from a couple weeks ago who my doctor consulted with (and who we found out is our neighbor) about my BP, was on the phone wanting an ultrasound of my leg veins. He was concerned about Deep Venous Thrombosis as my swelling had become pretty severe. I could barely bend at the knee (and yet I had to do so in order to get this child out!) and my skin was so tight and hard that it was shiny.



Within minutes, the lights in the room were turned off and 2 sonographers rolled their machine into the room to do a scan of both my legs, starting at the groin and then moving along each vein, down to my ankles. The first sonographer took the wand and started to press it into my right groin then stopped and said "I'm not comfortable going any further." She looked at the second sonographer and they both shook their heads, pointed to the monitor (which I couldn't see) and whispered. Matt and I were suddenly sick with fear. Before I knew it, I was counting 10 people surrounding my bed. There was lots of whispering, more head shakes, and several staff members "stepping out of the room for a moment". Matt overheard one nurse mention transporting. He asked one of the sonographers what all of this meant, but of course she couldn't tell us anything. She just said that it would need to be treated right away and would require hospitaliztion. OK, great. And what about my baby??? And these platelets? And the protein? I couldn't possibly push out a baby with a blood clot in my groin, nor could I undergo a c-section with one. This is when I suddenly felt like it could all be over. I'm sure that was an overreaction on my part, but I swear to God, once you suffer a loss, the fear never goes away.

While waiting for word from my doctor, the sonographer tried to do the rest of my leg, but it was so hard that she had to stand and lean into my leg, her whole upper body shaking. She was able to get good flow from my knee down, as well as all throughout my left leg. That was good! After saying a couple more times that she was scared to press on my right groin and that they weren't used to doing OB patients, she had me lean a little to the right and then she went for it. Talk about a scary moment. I was prepared to see a white light at the end of a long tunnel. OK, dramatic, yeah. But I really was scared-- and MAD! Matt and I kept looking at each other with eyes that screamed "lawsuit!" After all those weeks of telling my doctor that something was wrong and being told "it's normal" here we were going through this. Turned out, a little repositioning was all it took to get the blood flowing enough to rule out DVT. Praise God and get the pitocin going!!

Coming tomorrow...Part II, things start to get gory!!

12.24.08

It's Christmas Eve!

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve and Matt, Lilly, Midas and I are all snuggled up in the living room (watching "What About Bob" hehe). We are a family of 3 and life is good!

I'm still amazed by how different this homecoming has been compared to the first time. Matt and I feel like we were so much more prepared the second time and were able to relax and be calm about the transition. We think the dog and the baby sensed our tension the first time, but this time, it's all good!

Last night we gave Lilly her first sponge bath, fed her and started the classic Winnie the Pooh story with her. Sure, she had no idea what Daddy was reading to her (shoot, even he and I were confused-- A.A. Milne's writing is kind of nuts and doesn't make much sense most of the time) but it was nice to have that down time before bed and to start a tradition-- and to smell her fuzzy, clean hair while she filled her belly in bed. We were all so calm and relaxed... Lilly never cried once all night and I couldn't get over how EASY the night went. Every time I got back in bed, Matt and I snuggled up to the sound of her little noises and giggled at how darn cute she is. He told me Lilly is lucky to have me for a Mommy... but I feel like the luckiest mommy in the world to have her as my daughter. I would do anything for her.

12.23.08

We are home and life is gooooood! Lilly is a completely different person now that she is eating, isn't full of crazies in her blood and has POOPED! Matt and I were so proud of the poops:) We're officially parents.

Thank you for all the encouragement and kind words!! It's so fun sharing our little girl with everyone!